I'm sure every parent has this moment. Out of almost nine years of mothering, I know I've had a few OH SH*T moments with the kids. Never anything life threatening, or the threatening the loss of limb. I count myself lucky for that and pray it continues on.

In EMT class we often of EMT's who just kinda freak out when it comes to their own family and children. All that knowledge you have stays stored in the very back of you brain, never registering when it counts.

When I heard the gagging sound I knew it wasn't right. I knew that all three of the girls were in the kitchen and I am sure I was asked if they could have the watermelon hard candy after at least one of them had it in their mouth. I asked who was choking? Emmy responded it was Laurie and I ran into the kitchen from the front living room - twenty steps tops. My three year was gagging and wheezing. I stood there for a split second and told myself I would not be the mother that panicked. I flipped her over and thrusted her back two times. Nothing. More wheezing, but with wheezing she may still be moving a small amount of air. I gave her the Heimlich maneuver twice and out popped the candy onto the floor.

But she was still wheezing, and her color was rapidly turning to a deep shade of purple. She had put two candies into her mouth! I checked her airway to see if I could even see it, and of course, nothing. I Heimlicked her again and nothing. Another good back thrust and still more wheezing, growing more intense. She hadn't hit panic yet, but I could feel her fear growing. That color was turning faster and how long before she would just pass out? What in the hell was I missing here?

I shouted to Emmy to get the phone and call the ambulance, NOW! She responded with But Momma, you are the ambulance? And again I told her to get the phone and call and said I need help now! And I think I knew when I said that it was going to be okay. It was going to be that moment when the truck pulled up that I would have the candy out. In the midst of this though, I had flipped Laurie over again and Heimlicked her and gave her a good thrust to the back at the same time and that stupid piece of watermelon hard candy went flying across the kitchen floor.

And I hugged her tight and cried. I'm not sure but I think that scared her more than anything else - that momma was scared too.

And then I threw that darn watermelon candy out.

When I was growing up we didn't attend church. Mom always said she could praise God in her own house on Sundays, and really, why spend the day with a bunch of hypocrites anyway? You would see the same people in church on Sunday that you saw in the bar Saturday night. For a brief stint we attended my uncle's church in the next town. They always seemed like really religious people to me and I kinda thought of it as a big joke.

When Sparky and I met he definitely believed in God. One conversation with his father and it was apparent that he was raised in church. And not just raised in the church, but they actually believed this stuff. I still struggled with even the thought of God as Sparky struggled to find balance with God. I know I've posted about my pregnancy with my oldest daughter. You know, that prayer in the bathroom when I told God I wanted a baby or I would just know for sure he wasn't there? And then nine months later that little red headed girl was born? Um, yeah, that was pretty obvious to me.

These last few months have been so trying to my spirit. I've felt like God was readying us for something, but what that was I just don't know. Winter dragged out forever it seemed, and when I felt like I was at my breaking point (and this year was the absolute worst ever) we got glimpses of sunshine early. While I know we won't stay in these temps and there is still some cold weather to come I've been refreshed enough to finish it out. My endless/constant battle with my self has really wounded me this year. I'm on the verge of tears every time I turn around. I caught myself weighing in every time I went to the bathroom. Five, six, seven times a day. I've recognized that is not helping and am making an effort to not weigh myself every chance I get. And then all the money/financial crap. I thought I did the right thing with the house, but it wasn't right. I thought I did the right thing paying off the truck early, but second guessed that when the next day I learned the transmission in my van is going out along with something in the fuel line. I still don't know if I should put another $3600 into the van. I still owe $2000 on it. And then last night I was telling Sparky about my dream about the house and crying just retelling it to him. He listened and comforted me. Then he told me that he really felt everything he has belongs to God. And if God so choses for us to have it then we will have it. If we cling to it, and not to God, we may watch everything be taken away....so that we may recognize our dependence on Him. The more I thought of it last night the brighter the light bulb shined on in my head. That was it. When I can be totally dependent, we can be totally dependent, we will be ok no matter what. This is just a house, and home is where our family is, as long as we are one together.

My uncle has been calling at least once a week. I'm not sure if he knows it, but I am so very pleased that he is calling me. He doesn't have a cell phone, so I have to wait to hear from him. I love him dearly. I didn't know really how much I cherished him until I started looking for Jasmine. Yes, I would gladly share him, but I didn't want her to replace me. I did not find her, but I did talk to her mother and made all of our information available to her. I hope she'll use it. I'm praying she will use it. He loves my girls, and honestly he is the closest thing to a grandpa they are going to have. They absolutely adore him. He's coming around on Sunday and we are all looking forward to it. I know he is having some health concerns and I'm gearing up to see him through it.

And I'm thanking God that I can.

When we pulled into the driveway of our new home I wasn't sure what to expect. A trailer? Mobile Home.....what are they called now? The driveway was paved and wide enough. I felt sure that the kids would be able to ride their bikes on it. It looked like we had a small patch of grass running the length of our lot. There was nothing behind the trailer itself, but I wasn't sure of where our lot line ended.

We stepped up the three metal steps and I was reminded of a trailer we lived in when I was little. I remember those metal steps being kinda wobbly. I always wondered if the entire thing wouldn't just tip over. It always seemed to sway a bit when you stepped on them. Inside the trailer I was surprised to see that it was not small. Yes, it was smallish, but it was do-able. The kitchen was fairly large with counter tops running the length of the walls on each side. The table sat in the middle of the kitchen, but it was spacious enough to accommodate seating for six. The front wall of the trailer was windows almost top to bottom. It had basic white lace curtains covering it, I thought I might like to change those and soon. The stove top was built in and very high. Almost chest level to me. I remember looking at Sparky and telling him I wanted my new stove from the old house and that was not negotiable. You could see that some one had already started peeling the border off the wall, and I was sure it would take about a day to finish that job along with old country charm wall paper. I would paint the walls, white if I had to, but that wall paper was just making the move feel worse.

I can't remember much of the tile on the floor or the carpeting. It would not have mattered anyway, we had no money to change it. Down the hallway were the bedrooms and the bathroom. Our bedroom was fairly large, and the kids rooms were very small. I thought about putting the kids into one room again, together, and keeping the other room open for extra space.

Sparky's brother and his wife visited our new digs that day. I could only see the work that needed to be done. I was sure that that was all they saw as well. I vowed to make the best of it. I knew they had been where we were standing now, leaving a house they loved. I had never expected it would happen to us.

After everyone left, I sat outside on those wobbly metal steps. The air was just warm enough to not be chilled. I'm not sure I would have felt it anyway. In the darkness I would allow myself to cry for that house that we just left. I could not figure out for the life of me how we got to this place? How in the world did this happen? I loved our old house and longed for the comforts of my kitchen. I had scrimped and saved and did without just for this? It was not fair. I looked out over our little patch of grass. It was nothing compared to our acre of land. There was no place for our garden. As I sat there our driveway filled with other cars. The people next door were so used to parking there they didn't stop when they saw us. I felt like every little thing was being taken from me, even a parking space at my own house!

Back inside our new home I wanted Sparky to tell me it would be ok. I wanted to hear that we would go home. Instead he told me he'd rented out our house and thought maybe someday we could move back, but not now. All I heard - felt- was not ever. I suggested selling the house instead of facing foreclosure, but he was set on renting it. And the final kick while I was down? We would be paying almost the same amount monthly for this trailer as we did our house. I wanted my house! Really, the difference was dollars. As I sat there trying to absorb everything I just wanted to go to bed. I wanted sleep to take me away from this horribleness that was encasing me. My family was adjusting well, but I was like a toddler away from her mother begging, pleading, crying, and finally laying on the floor in sad defeat.

Once sleep came to me, I woke up and realized it was one of the worst dreams I have ever had. I can't begin to imagine the reality of this. That dream was so real I was shaken when I got up this morning. When I close my eyes I can still see the ripped up border and the wall paper of the kitchen. If I could hug my house, I still would be right now from this morning.

Well gosh, it seems like I am on the monthly blog plan. I'll have to see if I can get signed up for the weekly plan at least.

What's been happening here? I know your wondering. Where in the heck have I been? What is so much better to do than blogging?

I'm not sure exactly. My last post was about The Funk. I think I'm coming around, finally. The air has warmed in the afternoon so the windows have been open and my flowers are popping up. I've heard kids running and laughing in the driveway. I did make a doctors appointment, it is in two weeks. I think I'll effectively be over it by then. I do have a little bit of a lump that needs checked out. I'm not over concerned by it because of its location, but better safe than sorry. It worried my mom so much she called the doctor for me. I was like, ten, the last time she called a doctor for me. I'll also speak to him about trying to lose weight. I'm so freaking frustrated right now. I have kicked up my workouts 100%. I'm eating salad and healthy portions. And not a freaking thing. Sparky says he can tell I'm toning up....but I've got a lot of fat to tone up. I'd like to see pounds drop out. And they are not. So I'll mention that too. Years ago I had my thyroid checked, I'll have it checked again.

School is going well. We were recently informed that we will not take our state test until June or July. I would rather take it now, while it is still book fresh in my mind. I'm planning to be back to work this fall, after summer vacation with the kids.

I'm working on my cakes a lot. Last week was a cake-a-thon weekend. I had three large cakes to go out. They all went well and each person has referred me on. I'm pleased with that. I have a vendor table set for the local consignment sale in April. I'm going to pass samples and have a few display cakes. I'm looking forward to it.

I have more news to share, but not enough time to share it. I'm hooking you now, and myself, to make myself come back and share it. It's pretty exciting.....

I can't really put my finger on why, but I've been in a funk lately. I'm all weepy and crawly through the house. I don't want to get dressed at all, and some days if I don't have to leave the house, I don't bother to get dressed at all. I have a constant head ache. You know the one - when you've been trapped like an animal and pace to get out and then you just lay down and stay there. And then your head hurts from laying there for too long?

Nothing drastic has changed around here. We still have three kids, two dogs, and four cats. We still live in this house, we still can go out with in reason.

I think I am so ready for sunshine. I need warm air, I need sunshine to warm my skin and kiss my shoulders. I need to hear to kids riding their bikes outside and laughing and crying when they fall off the swing set. I need to hear them call it a play set and wonder why they call it that? I want to walk to the park and watch them play. I need to smell steak on the grill.

Yes, I do need each of these things. It feeds my heart. I can't stay trapped inside, away from the cold weather much more. I remember this feeling last year too. And that it took forfreakingever for spring to arrive. I'm hoping for an early one this year. I'm seriously considering visiting the tanning bed to see if that will warm me enough to pacify me. I haven't been to one since high school and then I only went a few times. My dress was off the shoulder and I wanted to fill in my tan lines. I refused to take off my panties though - and often wore the same style of see through lace with flowers on them. I did a fine job of tanning flowers onto my white hiney. Too bad my prom date was a nit wit and didn't get to it.....And how did we get to that?

Anyway, I need some sunshine. My already faded mind is slipping away and I'm not sure I'll make it much more.

I'm running out of cheese to go with my whine.

Happy Birthday, Sarah
February 14, 2002

It's hard to imagine that it's been seven years. Really. I wish I could tell you that I remember it like it was yesterday - but honestlyI don't. I can remember the important bits and pieces - the words of I'm sorry. So very sorry. The shopping trip to walmart that night while going into labor and the cashier who loudly announced to lady ahead of me that I needed to get a sense of humor. I remember the nurse the next day that was just wonderful. She understood that we knew what was going on and she respected that we needed to keep laughing or die crying.

I remember her beautiful little face, long fingers, head full of dark hair, the little dimple in her chin just like Emmy's. She was a carbon copy of Emmy for sure. She fit neatly into the palm of my hand. Her little doll clothes were too big, but we wrapped her in a blanket and loved her all the same. I remember the nurse speaking to her so gently, and making sure to handle her with the most care.

I remember that all the crap that had been dogging Sparky and I - it just went away. We clung to each other and our little family. The hurtful words forgotten, the gentleness of love encasing us at every turn. Our church family scooped us up and held us up when couldn't hold ourselves.

She never lived in the outside world - yet she did so much.

Happy Birthday Sarah Elaine - Mommy still loves you so very much.

It's been what, a good two weeks since my last post.

I don't have any words.

I thought I had a made a very smart move, and in the end it doesn't seem so smart.

My mom moved yet again. Because she has moved so many times and burned so many bridges she had no help, save us and Sparky's brother and his wife. Thank God they love us.

My husband and I are at odds over some one whom I love very much. They are playing a game, and I know it. I've been there. I remember. I'm trying to hang on for the game to end, he's ready to step out for a bit.

My uncle - who has basically been like my dad all my life- has asked me to contact his daughter that he has not had any contact with in about 20 years. I have located her, but not contacted her yet. While I understand -wholeheartedly- his desire to find and see his living child I feel sad that I am not enough. I know I will be quickly replaced by her, if she chooses to have contact with him. The adult mother in me understands this. The little girl who needs to be loved does not.

Lastly, I despise the snow and cold weather and the holding pattern that winter brings to us. I desire sunny days and warm breezes and kids laughter filling the yard. I love the promise of spring and every thing old is new again.